Kier

This post is dedicated to my brother Kieran...

Hey Kid it's been a long time, days pass, nights too, and yet I can not the distinguish light from dark. It's been a long away down this twisty road since the last time we saw each other. Hasn't it now? Sometimes at night I stay awake and just think how this situation is just so wrong, and how hate can just destroy paradises from the inside out. I guess it was just destiny or something like that right? or was it?

Deep down it just feels so wrong, right down in my heart I just can't fix this leak, and I just have to get this dirt off my shoulders, I have to get this off my conscience.So just sit back kid and watch what's going down.

Remember that one night, it was some time ago, up in the north. Remember when we sat and watched the great show, the northern lights. If you don't, I do remember this. I remember that throughout that harsh winter, the coldest winter I went through, the winter of our hardship. I guess that, that winter was just some sort of a metaphor right? It was just the start, the start of a long lonely track, a track throughout which our road divided in two. It was like we where walking on the same road, but even so we didn't see each other, or if we saw each other's hardship we watched in vain. Like the time we watch our dog die and yet we could do nothing to stop his pain, we just watched and finally, he got the easy way out.
Sometimes I wish I'd have a needle, to put an end to this everlasting winter. I guess it just ain't that easy!
I do remember those nights in Sioux Lookout, when we would stay up and wonder if tomorrow anything would change.I remember those grey skies, and how sometimes we would just fade away because living in reality was just not worth it. Was it? It's been a long time since then, and people say we aren't the same, that we are different now, and bro I don't believe in that B.S. A long time has passed since then kid, a long time but for sure we aren't that different, we aren't aliens as they say, and even if there's been some bumps on the way here, one thing is for sure we never looked back. Did we?
I remember the time we where bitten by the frost of the burning snow, by the red of the winter. I remember you where the one that helped me back up, not mom or dad, not any friend or any other person, you. During this period of my life, I look back often on that cold winter, I look back on the time we stayed at the reserve, I guess that it was the period that made us who we are today.
But the problem is that, its images still haunt me like I've got ghosts flowing over my head and some times they even inhabit my mind. I probably believe that its now more then ever that I have to look back upon my past, and try to understand why I am, the way I am. But somewhere down the road, somewhere on this path I screwed up bad, somewhere I left you, I let you down, didn't I?
I guess that why sometimes you get so cool on me, I guess that's why sometimes you don't believe I'm your brother anymore. And man how the hell, do you want me to say, that you've got it all wrong? What brother would rather try to capture grace, instead of giving a hand to his own brother? But I guess thats just the essence of live, I guess I'm just some sort of pawn, that life uses, and abuses of.
But that would be too easy, to say that my actions are controlled by someone other then myself, by some supernatural force, that utopia is the refuge of the weak, and I can't be weak in your eyes!

I guess all started when we left Picton, on that sunny June day, remember how for once in our lives we where happy in Picton, and then like everything that was nice in our lives, it floated away like a cool breeze right? Remember how once we believe, we belonged somewhere and then we took away, and we had to start all over again. Remember how those trips from the great north to the south where long, remember? But never where they as long as the trip that started, the day the winter started in Sioux Lookout. I guess that winter started and it still has to end. That's why many times, when I have a good situation in front of me, around me, I just fuck up everything. I guess, I just can't stand the cold.
Since the time, I last saw you, I've last been with you as your equal, as your brother, the day that car pulled out of the driveway, a lot of things have happened. But even that has been like a mirage, nothing has been real, because the only thing in my life I had, that was real, was you, and I guess I just wasn't fit to have it. Never did, and probably I will never have, a friendship so true, and so pure as the one we had. And no its not just because your my brother. I guess that through the tangles of this tricky winter I did learn somethings. I learned that finally there will never be peace, that probably we will never find peace, on this earth, in our living.

Probably we will never see each other the same way again, will we? But I guess that if this message has a mission, it is that one, to bring peace once again in this family, sometimes I wonder where are were the people we need? When we need them the most. Where are they when we need them? They're never there are they? I guess your asking yourself exactly the same question about me aren't you now brother, tell the truth. The fact is that I'm writing here the notion that I believe in the most, but also the notion I betrayed. At least if I write it down here it will not inhabit my thoughts anymore. The fact is that I believed in you, probably more then I believed in myself, this of course I told you already. Now when I left, I felt that somehow I was becoming the monster that lived in my closet through my childhood, the reason why I kept my light on at night. But this time there was no light for you.

I guess that I want, you to know all of this because, life can be fast, and I don't want to go into the soil of earth, without having said, these things. Brother, just know that even if I'm not there next to you, even if I'm not there throughout your hardship, if I'm not there to protect you, even if I'm not there to be your armour, I'm still here. And listen do not rejoice every time you hear my voice, because the day will come, when no walls or barriers will be between us, the day will come when they will fall, crumble at our feet, and no more will stupid shit, keep us apart. One day we will find peace somehow, somewhere we will find it, and if they don't want peace we will impose peace once and for all on this broken family, and we will fix the holes of this broken house. And Kier if everything around you falls, and everyone you ever believed in gives up on you. Remember if your world crumbles at your feet, you will find refuge beside me, I will be there. I know that in the past I haven't be that brother, I wasn't the brother you needed. But now that brother is here, and we will put an end to that winter that started in the snows of the northern woods.

I remember one night we looked up, to the sky. One night we looked up to the sky, and we saw the northern lights, even though the cold of the winter surrounded us, all we felt was heat.

Sky